Separation anxiety and you

By Gabby Goodier; Co-Founder of Same Page Co + Clinical Psychologist

3 minute read

As a Mum of two, I’m not immune to the pull on the heartstrings as I say goodbye to my little ones. And if you’re currently going through a tricky separation phase with your child it’s important to remember that it runs both ways, and that you might have some anxiety about your child's distress and how upcoming transitions are going to go.  So let’s do a parent-check in and talk a little about your self-care.  

Why you are important 

First of all, it is completely normal for you to have big feelings about these transitions for your kid.  Whether that’s from being at home with you to school, to a new classroom or to a new activity.  It’s so common to be asking yourself, “is my child going to be anxious?  How are they going to go with this separation?” and when these thoughts start taking over, it’s really important to pause, check in and ask yourself…”how am I feeling about this separation?”

You need to check in with yourself because if you’re not aware of your own feelings and your own anxieties, those feelings will come into play, and they will act out. You are then part of the equation in your kids' anxiety as your worries spiral into theirs.  Kids need to feel that you believe that they are safe with transitions. They borrow your calm, your sturdiness, your resilience to manage the change. Step one of being a strong and sturdy supporter though, isn’t getting rid of your anxiety, it’s noticing it and taking care of it.

Stress, fear and worry around transitions aren’t the enemy. However, unrecognized  and uncared for feelings about them are problematic, because they are what will cycle, from you, into your kid’s body.

How to check-in

So let’s do a check in. Ask yourself this, ‘How do I feel about my child going to school?”

If your answer is that you feel worried or nervous, the next question is,  “on a scale of 0 to 10, where are these feelings sitting with me? Where do you think they might be as the first day back of school or term approaches? Where do you think they might be on the way to school? Where do you think they might be when your child is at that goodbye moment?”...

And remember there are no wrong answers here.  Remind yourself that all data is good data because as you check in with your feelings, you can pay attention to them. Then, you can think of coping strategies.  For example, you could decide to talk to other adults  about your feelings so your feelings won’t need to get creative and act out. Your anxieties won’t completely disappear but you can find ways to manage and control them.

Another quick strategy that I often use to manage my own anxiety is C.A.N.™️ - Connect, Accept, Nurture.  This is something you can always do and it really helps you regulate your own feelings.

C. Connect. 

A. Accept.

N. Nurture. 

This is how to apply C.A.N.™️ in a separation issue

Connect “I’m noticing I’m feeling really nervous this morning.  Today’s our first day back at school and my chest is really tight and my heart is racing.” That’s the connecting part – you’re connecting with what you’re experiencing.  You’re just naming what’s happening.

Accept can be done by telling yourself the story of why this feeling makes sense.  You don’t convince yourself out of the feeling, you accept it to help it to feel seen, which helps it to start to simmer down a bit.  Just like you do for your kids. “It makes sense that my chest is really tight and that my heart is racing and that I’m feeling really nervous.  I haven’t separated from my child for a while, I’m bound to have worries.

Nurture here you’re embracing the feeling, like with a hug.  You’re giving it permission to exist.  Actually tell yourself, “I give myself full permission to have this feeling”.

A powerful strategy is to come up with a mantra where you are reminding yourself that two things are true.  “Separation can be hard AND I can cope with hard things”.

Another technique is, if you know you are going to be prone to an anxiety peak in the moment of separation, talk to your anxiety and let it know you’ll pay attention to it.  It might look like this… “Hi anxiety (and yes, I actually mean talking to your anxiety), I know I have big feelings about dropping off my daughter at school today.  Those feelings and my nerves around her separating from me, they’re valid, they’re important.  Right after I do drop off I’m going to go home, I’m going to pay attention, I might cry, I might write in my journal, and you’ll get my full attention because I know you’re just trying to protect me and let me know that this is hard.”

When you let your feelings know that they’re valid and important and will get your full attention, they are a little less likely to scream out at a time when you really don’t want them to.

SO remember, it’s okay to have feelings around separation.  Check in with you.  Remember C.A.N.™️ Connect, accept and nurture yourself and talk to your feelings.  Remind them that you’re going to check in with them before and after the separation moment and come up with a mantra to help you focus and ground yourself through this tricky time.